i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
