I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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