i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
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