I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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