Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
