I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
