remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
this is an emotional support booty call
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
