Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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