I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
