note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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