I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
