Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Oh god it's open bar.
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