Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
