The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You can't just leave with hair like that
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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