can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
