he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
