I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
