i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
