3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
