Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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