Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize