I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
