Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
