Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
