Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
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