i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
