Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
