1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
