Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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