I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
