Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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