So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
bring money and cleavage
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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