I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize