anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
