Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
