I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
