my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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