1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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