we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
