i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
