Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
