you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
