If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
