i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
