My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
this is an emotional support booty call
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
