every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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