I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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