pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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