look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
