Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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