Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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