I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
