Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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