i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
