Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
