How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
