i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
