first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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