Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
