I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
