I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize