Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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