im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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