Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
