I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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