3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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