No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
