I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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