i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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